


Dokka Iku No?

by Jaela



Category: Digimon
Genre: Bisexual Character of Color, Bisexual Male Character, Drabble Collection, Drabble Sequence, F/M, Ficlet Collection, M/M, Microfic, Multi, Queer Themes, multisexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-03-10
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-16 20:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/168850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaela/pseuds/Jaela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of drabbles, under 500 words each, exploring music and love(and Yamato's experiences with both).<br/>Unfinished/Ongoing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.

1\. Yamato isn’t really concerned. It’s the 21st century, isn’t it? People should be able to understand all sorts of things these days. So when Yamato notices he’s sometimes attracted to guys, he doesn’t panic. He thinks it’s fine, and he feels sure the people he cares about will feel the same.


	2. 2.

2\. When he decides to become a musician, however, he finds himself a little more aware of his orientation all the time. As the band gains notoriety, he begins to wonder how much he should share openly with the fans, and what details of his personal life he should keep quiet, lest it become public knowledge. After all, there are certain things that aren’t anyone’s business, right? He’s pretty sure not just anybody needs to know that his parents are divorced, or that he keeps a journal detailing all the major events in his life since the age of eleven, or that he and Takeru visit their grandmother in Shimane every summer. He hedges, and finally decides that his sexuality isn’t anybody’s business, either. But it’s not like he’ll purposefully try to hide it. If people find out, they find out. And if not, fine.


	3. 3.

3\. The short-scale guitar is all Yamato can afford right now. He changes his mind about a hundred times for a week, and then settles and buys it. He figures that the sooner he starts learning to play, the better, and promises himself he can always buy a full-sized one when he earns some more money. In the mean time, he can learn some chords and stuff. Get a head start.  
But he gets attached to the pretty little thing, all red and shiny, and still uses it for songwriting even when he’s upgraded to something bigger, fancier, and more expensive. There are a few times that money is tight and he thinks about selling her, but every time he finds he can’t. He probably never will. A boy’s first guitar is a special thing. When he thinks about it, he opens the drawer in his room where his old harmonica sits, and smiles at it with the same kind of fondness. Nobody knows this, but it’s always in his pocket during live shows. For good luck.


	4. 4.

4\. Takeru is the first one who knows how serious Yamato is about music. Even when their father thinks it’s a hobby, Takeru knows without even being told that music is Yamato’s life, his passion, and it’s what’s going to carry him through life, for better or for worse.  
Takeru is also the first one to know Yamato likes guys. And he couldn’t be less interested, which is a comfort to Yamato. That’s how it should be, he thinks-- after all, what difference does it really make?


	5. 5.

5\. Yamato’s first show is in a run-down underground live house when he’s technically too young to even be there. Akira knows someone who knows someone who can vouch for them to let them play, and Akira says it’s the perfect opportunity for them to test out their sound for a decent-sized audience. The place is a total dive-- cracked walls and an unassailable pungent smell, but the acoustics turn out to be amazing, and so does the crowd. Maybe it’s the pressure or the thrill of the debut, but they sound better that they ever have during practice. A group of wide-eyed girls pushes to the front, and they all scream and clap like long-time fans. It’s the greatest high Yamato has ever felt, and he’s sure nothing can match it.


	6. 6.

6\. He’s sure nothing can match it, that is, until several live shows later. The band has upgraded to bigger, more reputable venues, and they sell a self-recorded EP at all of their performances now. After their set, when the band is packing up, someone approaches Yamato to sign one of the CDs. He does so, and makes to hand it off to Takashi so the others can sign, too, but the fan stops him.  
“Just you,” he says.  
Yamato is puzzled, but he shrugs and hands back the CD. The fan, however, doesn’t go away.  
“I’ve been to one of your shows before this,” he says. “You’re good.”  
Yamato thanks him and tries to head back to the equipment, but the fan stops him again, this time by grabbing his wrist firmly.  
Yamato finally takes a good look at the guy. He’s tall, slim. Jet-black feathered hair and a glinting silver stud below his lip. Roaming eyes that make it clear that he’s getting a good look at Yamato, too. After a short eternity, he smirks and releases Yamato, sliding easily into the crowd.  
But after the band has finished loading up their equipment, Yamato feels that same grip on his wrist, and suddenly he’s being pulled aside into an alley. Just as suddenly, he’s being kissed. Yamato tenses, then lets himself relax against the cold cement wall as his admirer moves against him, lips and tongue exploring, fingers in hair, breath catching and sighing. It’s not Yamato’s first kiss, but it’s sure as hell his best. He feels a hand slip into the pocket of his jeans and he flushes at the neck. It turns out the guy is giving Yamato his number.  
When the kiss breaks, the guy asks Yamato how old he is. Yamato tells him, and the guy looks surprised and embarrassed for a moment. But then he smirks again, and presses one more quick kiss to Yamato’s lips before he takes off.  
When Yamato emerges, he can’t be sure if the guys saw any of what just happened, but he decides it doesn’t really matter.


	7. 7.

7\. The next day he fishes the crumpled slip of paper out of his jeans and dials the number, but the phone rings into eternity on the other end. He doesn’t try it again, and he never gets a call back. It’s no big deal, he thinks-- maybe it’s best if his mystery man remains a mystery, anyway. Sometimes he thinks he sees him in the crowd at a show, but he’s never anywhere to be found by the time Yamato gets off the stage.


	8. 8.

8\. Once, Yamato kisses Takashi on stage between songs at a show. High-pitched screams erupt from the crowd. He winks and turns back to his mic to sing again.


	9. 9.

9\. Sony is holding open auditions, and the band picks their two best songs to present. Half of the judges love them, but the rest aren’t feeling it. One of them remarks that their sound is “too unoriginal,” and says there’s a lot of music in a similar style already currently on the market. Ultimately the panel tells them to keep working and come back the next time auditions are held. Yutaka complains for days, and Takashi seems pretty bummed, too. Akira tells them to cheer up: sometimes talent scouts check out the live houses, and if they keep working hard, they’ll definitely catch someone’s attention soon. Yamato says he doesn’t care if they ever get signed, and the others gape and shout at him. Takashi demands to know if Yamato’s not taking the band seriously. He shrugs and says he thinks they’re doing fine on their own.


	10. 10.

10\. It’s Takeru’s week to stay at the Ishida household, and he comes back from playing basketball with his friends one afternoon and immediately flops down on the couch bonelessly. Yamato thinks he sees something in Takeru’s face kind of like the contentment Yamato feels after a show. Yamato asks him what he wants to do with his life. Eyes closed and breathing measured, Takeru says he’s not sure. Yamato asks about sports. Takeru laughs and says there’s no way. When Yamato wants to know why, Takeru takes a long pause before replying cheerfully that he wants to live a quieter sort of life. The smile on Takeru’s face seems private, so Yamato leaves him alone to his thoughts.


	11. 11.

11\. Taichi is an idiot, and sometimes Yamato wants to kiss him. He likes the idea of shutting him up by shocking him the way his mystery man from the live house did. Once or twice, he almost does, but then he thinks of the look Taichi would get on his face, and he realises he won’t be able to stop laughing long enough to actually do it.


	12. 12.

12\. It’s his mom’s birthday, so Yamato stops by to drop off a bouquet of flowers. When he gets there, though, she isn’t home yet. He hears murmured voices from the next room, and it doesn’t take long to figure out that it’s Takeru and Hikari. Takeru is telling her, in an earnest tone that cuts straight to Yamato’s heart, that he cares about her. Really, really cares about her. Yamato doesn’t think it’s right to stick around to hear her answer, so he leaves the flowers in the kitchen and lets himself out quietly. He decides to take a walk, and somehow finds himself going by Sora’s place. With his mind he wills her to come out and see him standing there. She doesn’t, though, and he gives up soon enough.


	13. 13.

13\. Even though he’s popular, Yamato doesn’t get asked out all that often. People tend to be intimidated, or else assume he’s already got a girlfriend. When someone does step forward and ask, he doesn’t do much to lend clarity to the situation.  
“Have you got a girlfriend, or is there someone you like right now?”  
“I’m sorry. I can’t go out with you.”  
One girl walks away from a situation like this and gossips with her friends that maybe Yamato is cold and just doesn’t ever think about love at all.  
She’s wrong; he does.


	14. 14.

14\. When Yamato thinks about love, he thinks about Sora. At first he thinks it’s just because that’s who she is-- love is her crest, her primary trait, her driving passion, the essence of her being. And maybe that is why, at first. But after a while, it’s not the case. He skips band practise to see her tennis games, or to meet up with the other Chosens if he knows she’ll be there. He calls her just to talk, about everything, or about nothing in particular. He writes songs about her-- in fact, nearly all of his love songs are inspired by her in some way or another. He’s not really sure what he wants to do about it, though. Or even if he wants to do anything at all. When he’s falling asleep at night, his mind cycles through possible confession scenarios and romantic gestures. If it’s Sora, he wants it to be perfect, and he only has one chance to not screw it up. It’s not like he’s in any hurry or anything, so he decides to wait.


	15. 15.

15\. Akira calls the guys together for an “emergency band meeting.” When they’ve assembled, he grins at them and says he’s been pulling a few strings. He calls for silence, pushes a button on a radio, and tells them to wait.  
Moments later, the first track from their EP is playing. They go nuts. Yamato calls Taichi, who’s so thrilled that he drops everything and rides his bike over to celebrate with them. Yamato reminds his bandmates of what he said about them doing fine without a record contract, and that makes them pout and get hot under the collar, so Yamato focuses his attention on Taichi for the rest of the evening.


	16. 16.

16\. He feels like there are certain things that he can only share with the other Chosen, and things that only the other Chosen can ever understand. Sometimes he feels like they’re his only real friends.


	17. 17.

17\. Yamato asks Taichi how he feels about Sora. Taichi shrugs and only says, “She’s Sora.” Sometimes Yamato can read Taichi like a book, but just as often, he’s impossible to figure out. This is one of the latter instances. “What are you thinking?” Yamato actually demands to know, too impatient to deal with utter bewilderment. Taichi asks if Yamato is saying that he _likes_ Sora. Yamato folds his arms behind his head and answers in the affirmative. A look of comprehension dawns on Taichi’s face. For some reason, that irritates Yamato. In a split-second decision, he grabs Taichi by the shoulders and kisses him. That does the trick and wipes the understanding look right off of Taichi’s face. All he can do is gape up at Yamato and murmur his name. Yamato doesn’t laugh after all; instead, he asks if it’s okay for him to pursue Sora. Taichi nods slowly. Yamato can’t remember the last time his best friend looked so confused, but at the same time, he feels that there’s an understanding between them.


	18. 18.

18\. Friends and fans call in dutifully, and the radio station plays that track again. And again. Two record offers are on the table within a week, and which one to pick is the only thing the guys want to talk about. Yamato is bored. All they do is discuss circles around it over and over, and never get to playing. He says he’s leaving, and he’ll start coming back to practises when everyone is ready to actually pick up their instruments again.  Takeru is surprised but happy when Yamato shows up at the door. Even more surprised and happy when he pulls out his harmonica and starts playing for him, like old times.


	19. 19.

19\. In the morning, there’s a text from Yutaka, asking if all of this means Yamato is quitting the band. Yamato has to read it four times before he even knows what Yutaka is talking about. He sighs. “I guess I did storm out like that last night,” he says to himself. He taps out a message immediately to assure Yutaka that it’s nothing like that at all. He almost types, “I would never quit the band,” but he doesn’t. He stops, thinks. Would he? Well, someday, obviously-- these things don’t last forever. But when? How far will he follow this thing? How serious about it is he, really? He sprawls out on the bed and just _thinks._ Music is everything to him. But the band isn’t music, and there’s still music without the band. He knows he’ll move on. Maybe it’s okay to start focusing on other things now, then, just a little.


	20. 20.

20\. Sora stares at him over the top of a dozen red roses, mouth slightly open. Her wide eyes dart back and forth, scanning his face, trying to process what he’s just said to her. He chances a cautious smile. Slowly, she nods. Rose petals tickle the undersides of their chins when they kiss. It’s premature-- _seriously_ premature-- but Yamato thinks to himself, _I’m going to marry this girl someday._


	21. 21.

21\. If Yamato had suspected that things would be easy because he and Sora had been friends forever, he was sadly mistaken. Sora is used to keeping to herself, to the point that it’s a real trick to get her to tell Yamato when something is wrong. And when she does tell him, Yamato wants to solve all of her problems, and he can’t. He sure as hell tries, though. He tries harder and harder. He spends every free moment on the problem of How To Keep Takenouchi Sora Happy. And in a way, he thinks, it’s good that it’s not easy. Sora is vibrant and beautiful, complex and warm; there’s something satisfying about having to fight to do well by her.


	22. 22.

22\. One night, Yamato is walking her home, and they’re talking the way they always do, about anything and everything in the world. Sora says, “People say I’m good at caring for others, but I’m not doing anything unusual or different from anyone else.” That’s when Yamato knows that she understands him.


	23. 23.

23\. Taichi is yelling and making his damn-it-I’m-jealous face, and Yamato wants to either hit him or hug him, anything to make him stop, because this isn’t how this was supposed to happen.  The whole stupid argument had started when Taichi had implied that Yamato was spending too much time with Sora. All Yamato had said was “Because I’m dating Sora,” and for some reason that had set Taichi off. He’d launched a string of semi-nonsensical half-formed protests.  
“So what? No one cares! Everyone already knows that! It doesn’t matter how much people see you together!”  
Yamato doesn’t know what Taichi’s getting at with any of these things, but he knows the face of jealousy when he sees it, so he decides to address that instead.  
“You can hang out with her, too, you know. You just have to ask.” Or better yet, if you were interested, you could have told me that when I asked your permission, he thinks.  
Taichi growls through his teeth that that’s not the problem.  
Yamato asks him to explain what is the problem already, if that’s the case.  
Taichi just glares at him, anger and frustration seeming to come off him in waves.  
Yamato all but throws up his hands. He shrugs and leaves.


	24. 24.

24\. He finds out the problem two weeks later, over lunch. They’re sneaking glances at each other and trying to figure out whether they’re on speaking terms or not. Yamato plays it cool-but-cautious and asks how Taichi’s sandwich is. He doesn’t answer. Instead, he says, “Hey, Yamato.”   
“What is it?”  
Taichi stares into space, as if he’s trying to draw something out of the air with his eyes. “You were always by my side, weren’t you?”  
Well, sure. Everyone knew that. “Yeah.”  
“That is to say, we were always close.”  
What is this about? “Yeah.”  
“To the point where we did things like... went on trips together, or held hands, or when our Digimon partners evolved in unison together.”  
“Yeah, I said.”  
“Or, like for example, that... first kiss.”  
They haven’t been looking at each other, but now Yamato turns to stare Taichi hard in the face. What exactly did he just say?  
“Taichi, that wasn’t my first kiss.”  
“Well, whatever, it was mine.”  
Yamato stares even harder. Is he kidding? No, no way, not with that face. He’s not kidding.  
And all Yamato can do is laugh. He doubles over, clutching at his stomach, gasping for breath as tears run down his cheeks.  
Taichi is shouting that it’s not funny, damn it! But Yamato can hardly hear him.  
He stole his best friend’s first kiss without even knowing it. And okay, that’s kind of mean, so maybe he shouldn’t laugh.  
But it wasn’t even in a moment of passion or something; it was just because he was making a stupid face. And it was the first time he’d ever been kissed, ever, all because his face was annoying. That’s kind of hilarious.


	25. 25.

25\. It’s not until after they part ways that the implications start to sink in-- even though Taichi didn’t even get a chance to finish what he was trying to say, Yamato suddenly has a lot to think about. He realises he should have figured this out sooner-- Taichi’s indulgence of Yamato’s need to be close, the easy affection, the violent outbursts used clumsily as a means of contact and expression of emotions. That was the kind of relationship they had, and Yamato had bounced back and forth between thinking “This is what it’s like to have a best friend,” and “This is what it’s like to be in love with your best friend.” (It was when he’d watched Takeru go through the latter that he’d decided that wasn’t it; the scenarios were way too different.) Yamato had always assumed Taichi went along with all of it unquestioningly because he was an idiot. But now he realises he should have seen it. Taichi wasn’t unaware of what he was doing at all. All along, it was because Taichi understood all of Yamato’s motives, and accepted them.


	26. 26.

26\. Returned them, even, Yamato realises on his way home from band practise that night. He chokes on air and has to calm himself down and wait for his face to stop flushing before he can go home. His dad isn’t the most observant person ever, but Yamato still isn’t going to run the risk of anyone noticing that something’s up.


	27. 27.

27\. Takashi totally notices that something’s up. He catches Yamato after practise and pulls him aside. He offers Yamato a cigarette, which Yamato takes, but does nothing but roll it around in his fingers.   
“Is it that girl?” Takashi asks.  
 “Nah, it’s a guy.” Yamato turns red and almost corrects himself when he realises how that must sound-- but then it occurs to him that how it sounds is exactly how it actually is.  
Takashi lets out a low whistle. “Does she know?”  
 Yamato shakes his head. But then again, does she?  
They stand there silently for the longest time, Takashi puffing on a cigarette and Yamato staring at one. Yamato isn’t sure why, but it actually is making him feel better, somehow.  
Takashi says, “Go for what you want. You’re a good guy, so don’t worry about it too much; everyone will forgive you as long as you’re doing the right thing for your own happiness.”  
Yamato isn’t so sure, but he mumbles an agreement anyway.  
“Well then.” Takashi straightens up and crushes the cigarette under his heel, then smacks Yamato on the back. “Can’t say I’m not jealous,” he says over his shoulder as he leaves, and winks.  
Yamato laughs.


	28. 28.

28\. Go for what I want? Yamato almost lets dinner burn, trying to work that one out.


	29. 29.

29\. He wants Sora.


	30. 30.

30\. No, maybe he wants Taichi.


	31. 31.

31\. The truth is that he never even _entertained_ the mere idea of being with Taichi in any real, spoken, official way-- because it had just seemed _that impossible_ to Yamato that it could ever, ever happen. Now that he knows that it could have happened at any moment if he’d just said something or made a move, he doesn’t really even know what to do with that information. He’s pretty sure he would have wanted that. But now, it’s pointless to think about, because he wants Sora. He wants to spend every waking moment never leaving her side, for the rest of forever.  
He feels like that about Taichi, too, but, well... in a different way.


	32. 32.

32\. He can’t stop playing the same stream of chords over and over, and before long it’s a chorus. The lyrics come a lot easier than they should, considering how mixed up he is inside his head. He’s not sure who the song is about. Confusion rolls in his stomach, and he almost chokes on his words.


	33. 33.

33\.   
After everyone packs up their instruments and leaves, Takashi stays. It's becoming a tradition.  
“I know whatʼs wrong with you.”  
Yamato looks at him inquiringly, raising an eyebrow.  
“Youʼre in love.”  
Yamato considers this. Sighs. Itʼs true, so he nods.  
“With who?”  
“Not sure.”  
“Ahhhhh.” He understands. He claps a hand on Yamatoʼs shoulder. “You gotta tell her.”  
Thatʼs the last thing Yamato wants to do.  
“Donʼt even think about it. Just tell her. Thereʼs no way you can go on if you donʼt.”


	34. 34.

34\.  She smiles and laughs in a way thatʼs kind of like crying. “Itʼs fine,” she says. “If things  
continue like this, even if weʼre happy, some part of you will always wonder. So...”  
“So?” Yamato asks.  
“So, discover it for yourself. Whatever is meant to be will happen, and then you wonʼt have  
to wonder, ʻWhat if.ʼ”  
Sora is the perfect girl, and thereʼs no way he deserves her. Thatʼs probably the only  
reason Yamato listens to what she says and consents to give her up, for now.  
It isnʼt long before Sora books a flight to spend the summer in America with Mimi. Whether  
itʼs more for her sake or for his, neither can know.  
Yamato thinks that it shouldnʼt be this easy.  
But it shouldnʼt be this hard, either.


End file.
